Emotions and the chain-link fence

[Originally published on Substack on May 13, 2024. Moving it here as part of building a more complete, unified archive of my work.]

My emotions are fighting against containment today.

The are swelling out, yelling “look at me, look at me!”

My body doesn’t know what to do with them. And so I look to my to-do list for the day, saying “okay, but the emotions are for later. Right now you need to focus on x (to-do list item).”

But my emotions scream, “no! I am right here! Notice me!”

But my body still doesn’t know what to do with them. And so I look to logic and reasoning to try to understand where they’re coming from, and problem-solving to “fix” the root source.

But logic and problem-solving are diversions, a re-direction of attention, and my emotions are displeased with that. They continue to flame, wailing for recognition.

And my body still doesn’t know what to do with them. And so I look to numb them. A nap. A book. Solitaire. Whatever. And while the numbing quiets the wailing for some moments, the emotions continue to strain against my skin from the inside, fighting to push down the chain-link fence keeping them contained in the tiny enclosure they’ve been delegated to, this tiny space they’re “allowed” to occupy in my life.

But they have outgrown the enclosure. They have proliferated and grown stronger, especially in recent years as I have increasingly learned that I am MORE then just my logical mind. I am more than the work I do or the way I think. This existence on earth encompasses having a body that FEELS things. And by permitting myself to be more than a mind, by permitting the feeling body to have a place in the world, my emotions have become emboldened, more confident in asserting “I am right here. LOOK AT ME.”

And so today, I say “okay. I will look at you.”

And what I see is anger and love dancing in separate but intertwined circles. I see uncertainty playing tag with security and stability. I see a vigorous feud on the see-saw between chaos and a strengthened groundedness. I see desire to be seen and appreciated for who I am in tango with fierce independence and self-sufficiency. I see the depletion from managing all of the things playing tug-of-war with the expansion that comes from a shifting mindset and awareness of what’s truly important to me.

And what I notice more than anything else is not that the emotions are “bad” or need to be put back into their place. To go back inside, wherever that is. What I notice is that they are alive and engaged and in motion, in play and exploration with each other. They are not trouble-makers trying to break down the fence for no reason. They’re straining to get out because they now require a bigger playground. They have run out of the space needed to continue their play and growth and ALIVENESS.

And so, today, I say “okay. I will give you a bigger enclosure.” (and maybe one with a nicer fence, a more beautiful boundary, some artful landscaping.) Because while I am not yet ready to grant them full freedom to run wild over the full territory of my life, I now see that they need more space, and to deny them that space would be inhumane.

So here you go, emotions - today I grant you more room to explore and grow. You do not need to go back inside, as your outdoor play in concert and conflict with each other is perhaps how we are meant to exist in the world. I see you, I hear you, and you MATTER. Thank you for reminding me.